Ground Zero Blahsque

The events that occurred on September 11th, 2001, were horrible, tragic, disgusting — just the worst. Very bad events. I was a 14-year-old freshman in high school at that time (how old do YOU feel right now) and I was in math class when they announced what had happened over the loudspeaker. The rest of the day pretty much went along as it normally would have because the teachers weren’t allowed to turn on the TVs, which was a great call. Good job, everyone involved in that decision. I’m glad my learning about Latin conjugations was not interrupted by my learning about THE BIGGEST EVENT IN MY LIFETIME AS IT WAS HAPPENING, YOU JERKS.

That day, I received a very bad grade on my summer reading test. I think it was a 71 or something. So, honestly, when I got home I was kind of just glad that my parents were too preoccupied with all the death and terror to care about the test grade. But when I was actually able to figure out what was going on, I got that it was a much bigger deal than I could really comprehend at that time. Because I was young and also very stupid. You saw what I got on that summer reading test.

But now I am old and very smart. So I feel like it is my responsibility to shed a little light on the situation with Park51, or as it more affectionately known, the “Ground Zero Mosque.”

Park51 is proposed to be some sort of swimming pool/prayer room hybrid, looking to be built on Park Place, about two blocks away from where the World Trade Center stood. There are going to be so many things in this building. Foosball tables, a full arcade, free ice cream, indoor/outdoor swimming pool ON THE ROOF, and a prayer room, where Muslims can pray if they want to. But that definitely sounds boring compared to all that other fun stuff that’s going to be in there that I just made up.

But there is going to be a lot of stuff in there, making it I guess not so much a real mosque as a place with lots of stuff that people can also pray in. Which can pretty much be any place. Like if a bunch of Muslims owned a Dunkin’ Donuts and then prayed in the back room, is that Dunkin’ Donuts a mosque? I don’t think so. But maybe? Maybe you are eating your donuts in a mosque. And now who’s anti-American? Nobody still? I really have no idea.

Now, I try to stay as far away from news and facts as possible because I don’t want it to influence my writing. So maybe I’m wrong here, but it seems like the argument for letting them build the thing is that this is America and you can do that sort of thing in America if you want to, because that is exactly why America was invented in the Freedom Science Lab in 1809. Right?

I do understand, though, that maybe those who are against it feel that those who are behind Park51 are trying to use our America-ness against us. “You guys are the gayest and I can’t believe you’re actually letting us do this, I’m going to pee RIGHT on your face.” - What the people who are against it probably think the Muslim people are saying. But this all reminds me of a debate that I once had with my friend whose name I will withhold because the story involves him abusing women.

My friend holds the belief that when a woman hits you as a joke and dares you to hit her back, you should slap her in the face. He thinks that it’s unfair that just because she is a woman and he is a man, she can do what she wants with no consequences. And his slap isn’t to hurt her physically, but to show her that sometimes when you ask for a slap in the face, you get a slap in the face.

While I understand his point — women sometimes do abuse men physically as a joke because they know the man cannot retaliate, and that is wrong — I argued that, as a man, he would not be refraining from slapping the woman in the face for the benefit of the woman, but for the benefit of himself. He is not allowing the girl to turn him into a guy who slaps a girl in the face.

Now, even if those proposing to build Park51 were doing it with a sort of The Simpsons‘ Nelson “ha-ha” mentality (which, for the record, I don’t believe they are, because probably they don’t watch The Simpsons), that doesn’t mean we should keep them from doing it. You can be conscious of the possibility that maybe this is a kick in the balls, but hold onto the fact that this nation was built on the belief that girls should not be slapped in the face. And if we start going back on our own decision to not slap girls in the face, just because they kicked us in the balls, what the hell are we. You know?

That being said, though, probably some crazy people are going to blow up that building, like, immediately after they build it. So maybe find somewhere else?